


Nothing To Hold You Back

by Purpleyin



Series: SB fanworks [24]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Birthday Cake, Birthday Fluff, F/M, First Kiss, Getting Together, I made myself wish I had this cake while writing this, Redeemed Savitar, Savitar Needs a Hug (The Flash TV 2014), i don't usually know how long it takes but interesting to this time, it took 5 hours from start to finish, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 06:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30050964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purpleyin/pseuds/Purpleyin
Summary: Savisnow (Savitar/Caitlin). Redeemed Savitar at STAR Labs AU. March 14th isn't just Barry's birthday. Have some angst and feels hurt/comfort with a happy ending for the ship.
Relationships: Savitar/Caitlin Snow
Series: SB fanworks [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1518083
Comments: 11
Kudos: 10





	Nothing To Hold You Back

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is made possible by the encouragement of Batty and others in the writing sprints channel over on [Snowbarry Spot Discord Server](https://snowbarryspot.tumblr.com/), several glasses of port, and my determination to *finally* post something on March 14th itself for this plot bunny I've had for a year.
> 
> Honorable mention to shyesplease's lovely headcanon [about Caitlin baking pies for Barry on his Pi day birthday](https://twitter.com/shyesplease/status/1371120346531831810) that I read over on twitter today and couldn't resist adding in here as a background detail too.
> 
> I know people have also been awaiting more Savisnow from me and I hope this pleases. It was only meant to be short but they are never simple to write so you get over 2k instead!

“You're gonna be in tomorrow, right?” Caitlin asks from the doorway of the medbay. Her voice pitches weirdly and that's enough to make Savitar look up from the pudding cup he'd been eating leisurely at the main desk.

In the pause before he replies, Savitar takes in her doe-eyed stare, head tilted to one side as she regards him carefully, and the way she bites her bottom lip. Past experience tells him she's either nervous or embarrassed, neither of which seems to fit with the question. Or at least, not until he takes tomorrow's date into account. March 14th.

He'd given S.T.A.R. Labs and everyone in it a wide berth last year, not feeling in the mood to watch the cheery festivities of Barry's birthday as a hanger-on. Back then he'd been firmly in the camp of an outsider, feeling barely tolerated. Things have slowly but surely improved over the last year. Savitar would never consider himself as 'on' Team Flash, but he is a fixture here these days and not nearly so incidental in their lives. Some days he might even admit to more than tolerating everyone else. Clearly, Caitlin is hoping he won't repeat his disappearing act, but he doesn't know _why_.

“We'll see.”

He turns his attention quickly back to the rest of his dessert, with one eye on the steady and reassuring sprawl of satellite data whizzing past on-screen. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening. It's positively tedious, and yet, somehow, he finds himself enjoying the occasional downtime, now that he's getting used to halfway living again.

Caitlin doesn't push the subject further. She doesn't even say goodbye, but, out of the corner of his eye, he spies her leaving with a certain spring to her step.

* * *

Curiosity is the main reason Savitar does, in fact, deign to grace S.T.A.R. Labs with his presence the next day – not wanting to disappoint one Caitlin Snow does indeed factor into it too, if mostly subconsciously - but he makes sure to turn up an hour late to avoid any start-of-work Barry birthday celebrations. Getting sucked into sharing those he definitely could not stomach. He knows there will be a West-Allen family birthday meal in the evening, as is their tradition, but he doesn't need to concern himself with that.

What he doesn't expect is to come across the remainders of a Caitlin special pie in the empty Cortex, and it instantly makes his stomach drop out from under him, a dreaded attack of misery he foolishly hadn't prepared himself for. **This** was why he shouldn't have come. Anger at himself, at Barry for _having_ this, at the whole situation, the universe, everything he's been through, floods him. The wave of anger subsides as soon as it has come and he's left awash in the dregs of sadness there's no point in denying.

The Cortex doesn't turn out to be so empty though, as Caitlin appears, unnoticed until she's by his side, gently turning him away from the unpleasant reminder.

“Don't worry, I saved yours in the medbay fridge. Away from other hungry speedsters and sweet-toothed engineers.”

_His?_

He's too dazed to resist her leading him towards the medbay. Her hand on his arm and the other in the small of his back as she nudges him forward might be the most anyone has touched him in years. Normally, he'd break contact before anyone else could. Shrug off any well-meaning hugs or touches as irritating and beneath him. Right now, it's strangely welcome, a firm grounding touch while his emotions fluctuate rebelliously. He hates being out of control, but it seems less of a burden with Caitlin quite literally supporting him.

“Iris caught me hiding it but I claimed it was just for me and staved off disaster by bribing her with the promise of future brownies.”

When Caitlin has finished dragging him into her domain, she drops her arms to her side, and without the pinpoints of her warmth his loneliness spikes abruptly again. Until he catches sight of her masterpiece. She quickly goes to open the refrigerator and slides out a cake board with a large, dark two-tier chocolate cake. He stares silently as she transfers the board to her desk and opens a large medical textbook to reveal a stealthily hidden kitchen knife for cutting it.

“I only have the paper plates I snuck in in my purse, I hope that's okay?”

Caitlin doesn't appear put off by his lack of reply. She proceeds to cut two slices, one relatively normal and another absurdly large for any other human but on the small side for a speedster. She hands him his plate and fork with a bright smile and he looks down at his cake in quiet awe. On the outside there are what he assumed were normal loops of icing. However, seeing it up close he can make out two distinct digits in joined-up writing. Instinctively, he knows she wrote some of the digits of Pi around it, unable to resist the added level of geekiness.

“Should I have done candles? I thought it'd be too much. Was it not enough?” she questions as she glances up from her uneaten cake, worry lines already showing on her forehead.

He takes a bite and discovers it's an exquisite blend of the obvious rich dark chocolate and salted caramel nestled between its many layers. As much as he enjoys a variety of foods as a speedster with an almost insatiable appetite, he's hardly an expert, even so he's pretty sure this concoction must've taken her hours to make. His stomach roils again at the implication of how much care this cake is imbued with and he shushes it with filling up in record time. His plate empty, he can't help but stare again at Caitlin, who is still waiting for his reaction.

“I...It...That's the - the _best_ cake I've ever had,” he says, perhaps a little too gravely.

Caitlin's brow furrow as she takes in his awkward beginning, but a small smile and a blush creeps upon her once she hears the compliment, and then she can't seem to keep her gaze upon him anymore.

“Thanks,” she says, brushing her hair behind her ear and studiously avoiding looking at him. “More?” she asks, even though she's already busying herself with taking away his plate.

He has another slice, enjoying it slower this time, and Caitlin actually starts on her plate as he does. Watching her enjoy her own cake – the rapid flitting between first excitement, then joy, and finally the bliss of satisfaction - is almost as good as having it himself. Eventually, they both finish and Caitlin takes their plates to dispose of in her pedal bin. Without the distraction of eating, the silence that has settled upon them feels heavy, loaded with something inexplicable.

Caitlin stands opposite him about a meter away, mouth gaping, moving a little that gives the impression she's hesitating to say something. Even if she can't, he feels he must. Because the tendrils of hope currently spreading out inside him - waking up the often forgotten about or dismissed dream of truly believing he can start his life afresh - deserves so much more than he's said so far. He's not sure he can thank her enough.

And this reminds him that although he can't really wipe the slate clean, there are some parts of who he once was he's not sure he wants to be rid of anymore. Like the bond between them that has lingered on, with new additions that appear to have transformed their relationship into an entirely new amalgam.

“Thank you...For giving me something that's mine.”

“Of course,” she replies with a little shrug of her shoulders, her words and body language already dismissing her actions as nothing.

There's a twist inside him at the doubt that this is as meaningful to her as it is to him. No, this is _expected_ , isn't it? Something Caitlin has done because she's a good person, a good friend. She observes, thinks things over, and overthinks them, so she knows what it means to him in principle, if not depth. How could it ever mean as much to her?

“I have... a lot of memories. So many I wish I could forget. But this,” he says, punctuating the point with several steps forward, letting her into his personal space as a show of trust, “I want to remember forever.”

“I...” This time it's Caitlin's turn to be speechless. She looks up at him wide-eyed and trying to answer, but appears not to be able to.

And then she darts forward, her hand also reaching out to grasp his, causing Savitar to stumble in surprise and then freeze up. Whatever Caitlin had been going for, her lips end up half colliding with his. It's a fraction of a second collision that feels like so much more to him as a speedster, too shocked to move. In her perception of time, she darts back as quick as she darted forward

“Oh! I was going for your cheek, I swear,” Caitlin says semi-squeakily, words rushing out in what must be embarrassment.

Her hand still clasps his, which she seems to notice suddenly, stiffening and making a motion to withdraw that too. But he puts his hand over hers without really thinking about it, just wanting the contact to not go away, and that one small move is enough to make her stop.

“I-I...” Caitlin stutters at first, and then he witnesses a flash of something in her eyes that seems to shift her expression into determination. This time, he sees her moving forward so clearly. Her press of lips deliberate and daring. There's still an element of surprise, but it isn't the motion, it's in the meaning, the choice made.

Caitlin kisses him chastely once, but after that they both gravitate back together for another kiss, teasing out the feel of each other with intent. Neither of them rushes anything, just exploring the feelings with interest and the thrill of something new. After who knows how long, they come up for air and it's a miracle no one burst in on them and put the brakes on the whole thing.

Even though they've spent the last several minutes at least making out, Caitlin has an adorably shy smile on her face as she wraps her arms around his shoulders and beams up at him. The warmth he felt earlier is back with a vengeance, spreading across his body with even more contact from her. Her smile, however shy, is directed at him and him alone and that makes it more brilliant than she is ever likely to realize.

“You know,” he starts vaguely, finding it hard to get what he wants to say out when his throat feels tight at the emotion welling unfamiliarly inside him. “This is... _probably_... my best birthday. _Ever,_ ” he says punctuating it by almost but not quite closing the distance between him and Caitlin. He watches her eyes flick to his lips greedily in anticipation. Except, she doesn't take the bait, holding out against the urge to kiss him again and refocusing on what he's said instead.

“Really? I'm not sure your standards are that high. All I did was make you cake.”

Trust Caitlin to leave off the reality of her caring enough to, of her caring _for_ him, in a manner he hadn't dared hope for, no matter how much he knew she'd cared for Barry. He hadn't expected he could ever live up to being worthwhile of her, but somehow it seems she thinks he is.

“Hard disagree,” he says, rocking back on his feet a little and fixing his eyes upwards in faux exasperation to avoid her own expressive ones and their questioning gaze. “But feel free to find ways to top it next year, you won't hear _any_ complaints from me.”

He goes in for another kiss but senses her hesitation at the last second. Now she's the one not looking at him, pensively looking down and to the side.

“Is... is this going to be secret? Like the cake. Or...?”

Her eyes snap back to his as she waits for his reply, searching for answers where the right one she's seeking makes his heart hammer in his chest uncharacteristically. That he can't do, not yet.

“For now. If that's good with you.”

There's a hint of a pout from her, with her lip wavering slightly, making him panic for a moment. But he centers himself holding onto her, using that as a calming influence to stay his nerves. He knows Caitlin is _always_ understanding, he just needs to explain himself. So he explains in hushed words that are wrenched from the part of him that loathes showing weakness; if he can't do so with Caitlin, who would he be able to. Perhaps admitting those to her is itself a strength he'd conveniently ignored out of fear of what taking that step could cost him.

“I like...having something, _someone_ , who's just... _only_...mine, for a while.”

He pulls Caitlin close again, but not for a kiss; hugging her tightly, focusing with every fiber of his being on the unique experience of it. On how it makes him feel, with no denial of it in this moment. Letting his breaths fall in sync with hers and smiling, unseen, at her sigh of contentment.


End file.
